If your default mode is sex last thing at
night, chances are it's not as great as it could be. Marital therapist Andrew G
Marshall tells us how couples he's counseled have resolved this problem.
If lovemaking has become boring and
routine, odds are you're falling into the trap of letting sex become the PS to
the day - the last effort of an exhausted mind and body. It might be
convenient, but soon the lovemaking lacks energy and becomes less appealing.
'It always starts the same way,' says Jane. 'He snakes his hand over onto my
thigh, and at that point I have to decide whether I'm interested or not. No
warm-up, no persuading, and if I refuse, the cold shoulder,' Many couples
become so bored they even stop making love all together.
Top 5 love locations outside the bedroom (from my
casebook)
·
Lounge
·
Bathroom
·
Car
·
Kitchen
·
Garden
Deep down inside we know that bedtime sex
equals dreary sex, but what stops us from breaking out of the routine? As a
relationship counselor, the number one excuse I hear is children: 'We were
worried that the kids might barge in if we "did it" at any other
time,' says Karen, who has three children under 10. 'But by bedtime we were
always too tired to enjoy lovemaking.' I suggested putting a bolt on the door,
and at first I was met with a lot of resistance. 'Finally we decided it didn't
make us bad parents,' explains Kate. 'Now we enjoy our Saturday mornings and
the kids usually watch TV. The first time they couldn't just barge in there
were awkward questions, but they seemed to accept that mom and dad needed some
time alone together.' It is vital to have somewhere private to be intimate
together. Famous sex therapists Masters and Johnson discovered the most
effective part of their whole treatment programme was that couples stayed in
nearby motels – and therefore, unlike at home, had the freedom to make love
whenever they wished.
If a lock still sounds like a bad idea,
setting the alarm an hour earlier in the morning can transform lovemaking into
a sexual appetizer for the day, rather than a soggy leftover.
Sandra and Bob settled for something
in-between: 'By the time my head hit the pillow I was too tired for anything
but sleep, so we started putting the alarm on for two hours earlier. We are fresh
for sex and rested enough to enjoy each other. I love slowly drifting back off
to sleep in Bob's arms,' explains Sandra.
“Setting the alarm an hour earlier in
the morning can transform lovemaking into a sexual appetizer for the day,
rather than a soggy leftover.”
Although there are lots of other places to
make love, the bedroom remains most couples' favorite location. So it's
important to take a long hard look at whether the atmosphere there is a
turn-on. Truth is, the bedroom is often an anxiety-filled environment. Many
couples have their biggest fights there. In couple therapy I often ask my
clients to describe their bedrooms, and it is amazing that any lovemaking
happens there at all. The most extreme example was a couple whose dog slept in
a cage by the bed; apparently it yelped during the night and this way the
husband could reach over and give the cage a knock with a slipper! Others have
flu remedies, folders from work and household bills on the bedside table.
